blame it all on me, i couldnt care less.
you have just put me into deeper shit and i know you're very satisfied with that.

i cant accept the fact that you've turned this evil, full of vengence. i'm making no effort to forget you neither am i making any effort to run away from the fact that i will never love you again.

the weekend was pure heartache for me. Got it all planned and ruined, it simply took you several hours. I dont know what my parents think of me, and everyone.

Life goes on. it wasn't easy for me.

and since you have gotten everything out of me, you enjoyed the pleasure of seeing me suffer...
WHY ARE YOU STILL CALLING ME YOU DUMB FUCK?! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE, FUCKING INTRUDER.

kindergarten, back in 1992, its still vivid in my mind. My 1st day of sch, dress in white and red checkered penefore. Sent me to school and you've actually took the trouble to pack me scrambled eggs sandwich for my lunch. You walked me to school and and tell me to just wait for the doors to open and start my 1st day of school. I was suppose to be excited because, that time, i've never been to school before, but instead, I feel, uneasy, the feeling of something hollow, something I don't know how to describe and tell you. but now that i know, I wanna say, that very second, i missed you. You left me there and walk off because you've got something urgent to attend to. I'm not dissapointed with that, coz i know, I won't make a scene there crying out for you wanting you to come back.

i'll always remember back in 1994, you carried my birthday cake for me all the way to my class, just because I said I wanna have a treat just like any of my other friends.

2003, i've dissapointed you. I told you I actually overspent my allowance in school and I needed extra cash. I came to your school and that when you smelt the stench of cigarette puffs when you kissed me on my cheeks. You were stunned, questioning me in disbelief if i've been smoking. and I decided to confess and i'm sorry, how can i forget your break down. It was something I never thought would happen. Something that hurts me deep within. I tried to calm you down when you were pushing me away. And so I got out of your school, knowing that you're not in a situation to face me after everything you have sacrificed for my school and our family's survival.

2005, I managed to get into Polytechnic upon your prayers and my hardwork. As much as I was notorious back in school, it was never my intention to let you down again and again. yes i've been smoking eversince, but if only you could see the different side of me, i've been trying to make you proud.

2008, problems everywhere. Within me, I had financial, relationship and I couldn't get along with the family. And how much I dislike being at home hearing you shouting almost everyday, deep inside me, i just miss you. and i don't kno what to do when i miss you. If i get home, you'll be throwing your anger even before I can say what I wanted. I wasnt blaming you. I was badly influenced.

Slowly, things start changing again. My boyfriend and I are fixing our broken pieces back together, and you actually understood and helped us along the way. At times when I wanted to be alone, you'll just let me be. I've tamed down, and i've made the effort to be home earlier than I use to be. I dont go out with any other boys anymore, however, dissapointed I am with myself but I still lied to you about my smoking habit.

I promise you, i'll stop one day. I won't know how soon, but i will.
I promise to be a better person, to gain your trust back, for both you and my Ilham.
I promise to be closer to you and I try to not let you down again.
I promise to support you in the future even if I have to work multiple jobs, I'll pay your sacrifices with my sacrifice too.
You may not be proud of me, but with good will, i'll wait, will the day you'll be.
I promise to be a better person, I promised myself, that I wanna make you happy. :'(

I love you mummy.
and for my Ilham, thank you for your support.

why is everyone talking about marriage?

Does having a significant other must end with a marriage?

seriously, everyone, i have better things to think about.

He(God) doesn't bring you to this world just to get married.
getting married is not one of my purpose in life, like seriously.
and i don't live to get married. I rather be my parent's slave.

if there's someone serious about you, and if marriage leads you to happy ending then why not.
but the preparation gonna take lotsa patience dude, and no.. its not that i'm not ready, but how i wish to just get married(if i will be) without going to that stage. Troublesome.

i realized that my presence, was a mistake.
i'm sorry. i'll leave you now.

i remember asking you to stay, coz my intentions are only to help, but theres more to it than just meeting you, feeling happy for temporary everyday.

it doesnt matter if u hate me, coz what matters is..i love you.

but its different now, when i wanna leave you because i know you'll have a better life without struggling and eventually be happy,

you said i'm just thinking of my own happiness. in a way, you said i'm selfish coz i'm just thinking of my happiness.

is it so wrong for a girl to be happy and be herself at least?
so, this is life you see, we live life to make other people happy. besides, when the other person is happy, it wouldnt cross his/her mind to even ask about how we are feeling deep in.

good acting = case close.

gd day everyone.

life is all about sacrificing don't you think so??

life is not about getting everything you want. I mean seriously... i've yet to hear some random human confessing that he/she is living happily because they have gotten whatever they want, all their living years.

i was just thinking...

(suzila always talk about relationship) sorry, i cant help it.

being in a relationship, you must be mentally prepared to let go lotsa stuff just to make your significant other happy. to think back it work both ways. call it unfair, but its just the way things work.

and to think there are some people who marries someone they dont love. because to me, these are the not selfish ones.

i'm aware that if i were to just be selfish and live this life, my way, i know i will keep hurting other people around me. and therefore i chose to make them happy instead, not caring about what i feel.

i rather have 1 person feeling unhappy rather then having 1 person happy yet hurting many others. i rather be the victim coz i know its just a matter of time where i can adapt to the changes.

the changes i'm facing currently are way too drastic but i'm taking it all in. coz i chose this path and i will therefore face the consequences of making such choices.

goodbye friendster.
goodbye msn.

my 2 most favourite things.
i've let go.

my mobile is contactable still...
but i'll be changing my number soon, so... until further notice. i've only to keep the neccesary.

to be updated.

06.01.2009

R.I.P Grandad. Al-fateha

the end of one suffering and torture for you.
and the beautiful pair shall meet in heaven. Isyallah.

Ya-Allah
Ampunkanlah dosa-dosa datuk ku Abdullah Bin Baba, yang telah kembali padamu.
Semoga Roh-nya dicucuri Rahmat.
Ya-Allah,
jauhkan lah dia dari api neraka mu Ya-Allah.
Letak kan dia di syurga mu sesungguhnya arwah telah menjadi seorang ayah dan juga datok yang kekal dan taat pada Mu, yang telah mendidik anak2 and cucu-cucunya menjadi insan yang soleh da soleha.
Berikanlah cahaya kepada kuburnya Ya-Allah, Janganlah kau sempitkan kuburnya Ya-Allah.
Ya-Allah sesungguhnya kau maha pengampun dan maha penyayang, Ampunilah dosa2 Abdullah bin Baba, yang disengaja da juga yang tidak disengaja Ya-Allah.

Ameen.

As much as we dont want you go coz we're missing you too much, we don't wanna see you suffer on earth any much longer. Pnuenomia has taken up a lot of energy from you.

I'll always miss you Grandad, and forgive me for all my sins
I love you. i'll always love you


Cucu-kok